grief

funny thing, grief. it's completely unpredictable. totally untamable. entirely exhausting. yet, mandatory.

mom has been gone two weeks, tomorrow. it seems like months. time has moved very slowly.

i've spent the last ten years trying not to think about how great she was; how lovely, accomplished, gracious and loving she was. how she was robbed by a disease that was nothing but pure evil. only satan could invent an illness so cruel.

now that she's gone, i want to remember. i want to remember everything about her, but with that comes immeasurable emotions. happy, sad, angry, bereft.

and the grief that comes with those memories...it bubbles up within, gurgling to the surface when least expected. thursday night i spent two hours howling because the book i was reading mentioned the 1940's actress Sonja Henie. mom loved Sonja Henie.

there are days when my body feels like lead. i cannot move. i cannot think. i cannot speak. other days when i actually forget for an hour or two, preoccupied with work or other duties, until it all comes rushing back. but as each day passes, the times when i do remember are less shocking, less acute. i still weep unexpectedly, but with less force, less pain.

the biggest change is that suddenly everything reminds me of her. i think of her constantly. i stood and watched a dear friend prepare for her wedding day last weekend - as her hair was being pinned up, she held the handful of hairpins just as i remember doing when i was a tiny girl. i loved those french twists she used to do with my thick hair. i walked the streets of Carmel that weekend also, and stopped by the bakeries she loved for their soft pretzels and coffee. i went out into the garden after dinner one night, and as i relocated tiny roots from one corner to another, i thought of the hours she made me spend pulling weeds, planting tiny "six-packs" of annuals, how she could make anything grow (amazing what happens when one remembers to water regularly).

goodbye, mom. i love you more than there are words. i know you know that now, too.